Land Shark

Disclaimer: BEWARE!!!!! This blog is not for those are the weak of heart. Any of those suffering from fear of blood, seeing my fat, high blood pressure, pregnancy (yes that is included in suffering), and Grandmommy like hysterics should not proceed any further.

This weekend I was the victim of England's first known Land Shark attack. I escaped with only wound to the leg which was stitched by the highly skilled Dr. Akis from Cyprus.

Highlights included: Seeing my own fat, drinking a Diet Coke in the Ambulance, telling an inept nurse off, casting Clive Owen to play my doctor in the movie version, and receiving three layers of stitches.

Pictures from the scene:

BEFORE


AFTER


The Man of the Hour...I call him Akis, you can call him Dr. Hottie

The Stars at Night...

...Are Big and Bright (clap clap clap) Deep In the Heart of Texas!
Yee haw! Alex and I would like to let everyone know that we OFFICIALLY own 5.4 acres of the great state of Texas. We hope to build on it when we return back to the states. It's on the north shore of Lake Travis and just a 2 minute drive from the lake. And according to Google maps, Richie, my cousin, lives straight across the lake from us. So I guess we can expect to see alot of each other via boat. When we get back for Christmas y'all are all invited for a champagne toast on the land to help us celebrate. Get excited!
Lots of love,
Court

Bored Beyond Belief

I've always known that I was directionally challenged, but I should go ahead and add geographically challenged as well. For the last...let's say hour, I've been playing this European geography game to try to keep my mind off the fact that it is a ghost town in my office. My best score is 34/45. Go to this website and play the game yourself:

http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/country_europe_G2_drag-drop.swf

First you will feel silly for not knowing where these countries are located, and then you will feel like a dumbass because you didn't even know that some of these countries existed. Now I'm just a bored moron.

A pigeon...

...walked into my house today. Just walked in the front door, waltzed passed Mark, Staci, and I and into the kitchen, to you know, check things out. After it made a bird bath out of the frying pan that was soaking in the sink, we attempted to lure it back out of the house with cat food. It then flew into the window not once but three times and finally made it's way outside injured. Or so we thought...it kept trying to fly and to our dismay just jumped a whole bunch. Talk about depressing. Finally it just flew off...faker!

Yogurt Swirl...

...Is the best way to describe the current state of my legs. Orange and vanilla yogurt swirl to be exact.

It all started when I was visiting Becky in Texas and commented on how great her tan was. She said she had been using these self tan towlettes that you just swipe over your legs and presto change-o tan legs. Well I decided to finally give it a try yesterday and the pictures you see before you are the result. No it's not a skin disease it's just my first attempt at self tanning. I have to say though I am pleased with the 85% of my legs that are tan.

Behold...the swirl...

Granmommy

I won't lie it's been tough since we all found out what's going on with the matriarch of the family. It's been unexpected and hard on everyone to say the least. I've found comfort in the words of Becky and my dad though. Becky told me yesterday prior to GM's surgery that we were all in battle mode. I know she meant mentally but I know everyone has been fiercly praying for her safety and recovery. Dad also mentioned that things like this seem hopeless without the full of armor of God. Well I know we're all 'fully loaded' at the moment. So Granmommy, if you ever get around to reading this, know that we're all behind you, we're all praying for you, and know we all love you.

Now to lighten the mood...favorite Granmommy stories...
1.) Brooke has a Nazi boyfriend? Just the other day GM and I were discussing Brooke's potentially Swedish boyfriend (let me clarify, he has all the potential in the world to be Swedish because he is, the potential left to be fulfilled is in the boyfriend status). I told her his name was Karl to which she responded 'that sounds like a Nazi name.'

2.) 'I'm on fire.'
No 3 words have created such comedy in our family than these. It was a summer day a few years ago. Farmers Branch was quiet as it is, until the phone rang. GM had called to let Brooke she wasn't on fire. Befuddled, Brooke responded with the only response you can have when faced with a potentially crazy grandmother...'I'm not on fire either,' she said hoping not to rock the boat. GM then went on to explain that there was a fire in Farmers Branch, she worried that we would look out the window in any general direction, see smoke and assume that her house was on fire. It indeed wasn't...so we're told.

3.) Al Queda has played a part in both of our countries fears at the moment but no one knew that better than Granmommy after 9/11. According to her inside government sources (aka Charlie Bird who's on the Farmers Branch city council) Al Queda was planning to poison the Farmers Branch water supply. And after said warning, she told me she was beginning to test the water for said poison. I replied with, "Granmommy, how can you tell if it's poisoned or not?" She responded with, "Oh I can tell." You don't mess with scientific facts like that folks.

I love you Granmommy!
Love,
Court

Grandmommy Part Deux

After reading Court's post I was inspired to add a couple more cherished Grandmommy stories to the mix. They do always say that laughter is the best medicine.

A Potential Bestseller?

While riding in the land yacht white Caddy, Grandmommy was inspired with an idea for a book. This was no ordinary book, this was a book of personal entries gathered from friends and family far and wide. Something that mothers could give daughters. Something that could be cherished between generations.

Of course I am only referring to a collection of stories surrounding "my first period." Yes that's right folks, let's share with the rest of the world our awkward stories of puberty and becoming a woman. This idea was put to rest by a typical Brooke face and a firm stance that any periods in writing should be reserved for punctuation.

Do your boobs hang low?

This story has been told to me several times by Grandmommy although I personally cannot recollect it. Since I have no recollection, we are going to blame all crudities on Courtney.

The scene: A tranquil day in da Branch, golfers on the green, a light wind in the air. A car pulls up with two bouncing blonde girls spilling out of it.

Courtney, in her hyper, "just can't wait" way runs up to Grandmommy's house eager to raid her fridge, jump on the mini tramp and play with plastic bats.

Unassuming Grandmommy is in the kitchen washing her hair in the sink.

Courtney reaches the door, and Grandmommy looks up from the sink to her see her little face filled with mischief and giggles peering through the door.

Brooke, trails behind in a very angelic and adult like manner.

Courtney bursts into the house before Grandmommy can react, and quickly turns back outside and yells, "Hey hurry up, come quick, you gotta see this, Grandmommy's boobs are hanging in the sink!"

The world stopped as the knowledge of Grandmommy's vulnerable nature was made public to the entire golf course. The horror, the sheer mortification. A proper "braining" was definitley in order.

I've Fallen...

And I can get up, only to fall once again. I don't know what has happened in the last three days, but I have forgotten how to walk or developed two left feet. I'm referring to the fact that I've fallen flat on my face three times in the last three days.

Incident #1
Date: 7/15/05
Location: Westminster Tube Station
In an effort to try and tone my thighs (not working), I have taken to always climbing the escalator on the left rather than standing on the right. I reach the top of the escalator only to have my flip flop hit the top step and send my left ankle into the teeth of the next.
Injuries sustained: Mild abrasions to the left ankle.

Incident #2
Date: 7/16/05
Location: Oxford Circus Area (read very busy)
This fall occurred during our walk to the bus stop. Due to the frantic nature of Oxford Circus, I felt the need to run across the street to make sure that the traffic did not run me down (we did have a green man). Please note that during this fall I was dressed really cute and wearing shoes that I usually have great difficulty walking in let alone running in. I bit it so hard I'm surprised that I was able to get up again. This fall was during a sprint and it was sudden. Thankfully my trusted friend Carly saw it as her duty to stop traffic (please note that traffic was not moving as it was a red light). I really wish I could have been one of the drivers in the cars present to witness my massive fall and the girl stopping the already stopped cars.
Injuries sustained: Massive purple bruise on my right knee. Jeans helped ease the severity of injury.

Incident #3
Date: 7/18/05
Location: Westminster Tube Stop (again!)
Once again I'm on the exact same escalator. Funny thing was that I was thinking about last week's fall when I fell again. The first time was a mere trip in comparison to this. I fell and then got wedged in between the moving escalator and the person next to me. I had to be helped up, and my pale pink skirt was covered in black. Tried to act natural and boarded the train where no one else did.
Injuries sustained: abrasions to the right ankle and right hand and of course my wounded pride :)

So there you have it. Hopefully I won't add to this list, but I must mention that my friend Sean definitely got his head stuck in the tube doors today as well. So maybe there's something in the water.

WE ARE OK

Just to let everyone know that me, Court and Alex are ok. Scariness on London transport. We aren't really sure what is going on, but we love you and are ok.

Olympics

I love the Olympics, and it is so exciting to be in London right now as they have secured the 2012 Olympic bid just ahead of archrival Paris in a 54 to 50 vote. The sun has just come out and everyone is smiling. It really is quite a good feeling even if this isn't my home. You can really sense how much people wanted this, and since alot of the construction is going to go on in the East End, maybe this means it will help the sale of Court and Al's house. I'm already making plans to come back and attend.

Village Fete

Ok... this is a bit of an English tradition. let me explain. Over here we have something called the 'village fete' (prounounced 'fayte'. It's a very parochial, villagey affair where you can have pony rides, climb aboard the local fire engine, have a go on the coconut shy (i suggest you google this to find out what it is), and eat cakes made by the women's institute. The High Wych village fete where mum & dad lives was no different. Except for the cakes. They were all from Tesco's - the local supermarket!
Here are the piccies that Brooke took:

Courtney taking part in the tug 'o' war


Our version of a team of cheerleaders


Finally it's the human fruit machine...

Al
x

Royal National Lifeboat Institution

Here's Alex on the life boat. Some of you might wonder what he does as a volunteer lifeboatsman. Well so far, nothing, b/c he hasn't made any saves. Which I'm told is a good thing.

Napoleon

Now I know you've heard of his majesty but most of you have never before experienced his awesome class and his high tech style. I give you...NAPOLEON!

The Track and Tennis

It has come to my attention that I've been living a very posh life the last few weeks. Not only did I cheer on the ponies at the famous Ladies Day at Royal Ascot, but I also caught a few jolly good sets of tennis at a little event I think they call Wimbledon.


Before I know it I'm going to develop a fake accent, refer to everything as lovely, and eat puddings rather than dessert.

What are you kidding? Do you know who I was raised by? This kind of sarcasm and crudity just doesn't disappear over night. Following are the faux pas that were committed at said events:

1. At Ascot, I suggested to a group of very proper older women that they only lived once and should therefore have their picture taken with a drag queen.

2. Called Elizabeth "Ole Bessie" as her royal procession drove down the track.

3. Not aware of Tennis etiquette, sat down before the game was over. Gasp...not before the game was over! I swear the ball boys were out for blood.

4. Again not aware that Tennis was so tame, yelled out, "Good Effort!" in a dead silent crowd. Did manage to get one Chinese tourist to chuckle.

5. Megan and I tried to keep the tennis ball that came at us over the fence (like in baseball), but was then informed that we needed to give it back because we were in England and that British people were too polite to keep it.


6. Dubbed one of the players "Gut boy."

So there you have it. It just goes to show you that you can put a Getter in England, but you can't put England into a Getter.

Interviewing 101

I think I should write a book on what NOT to do during, before and after an interview. Let's review my history shall we?...

November 2004
Position being interviewed for: Production Secretary
Company: Leopard Films
Salary: below minimum wage
Summary: Was working the Texas charm for as long as I could then they hit me with that hard hitting question, "so what do you think the duties of a Production Secretary are?" Having no clue whatsoever, I bullshitted my way along which received confused looks. To which I then responded, "I have no clue." Score...

Febuary 2005
Position being interviewed for: Researcher
Company: Leopard Films
Salary: again below minimum wage
Summary: Was totally underexperienced and cried during the interview...NEXT!

June 2005
Position being interviewed for: Researcher
Company: Attaboy Productions
Salary: I said between 300-350...of course they're going to pick the lower sum...dumb ass!
Summary: Went in for a researcher on a car show, they asked what I knew about cars. I replied with, "I come from a state where there are big ones." Ponder that for just a while...yeah after I sign off here I'm going to get a tattoo across my forehead that says 'dip shit.'

Love y'all miss y'all. Good to see everyone while we were in Texas.

Until next time,
Court

Oh My God We're Back Again!

Here's the latest adventure that I've had in ole England:

I was watching "Top of the Pops" on the BBC where they feature each weeks biggest number one in the UK. The Backstreet Boys were performing their new single which requires them to get down on their knees and act really heartbroken (the video even includes thrown sand). It was gripping. Knowing that the show is filmed in London, this meant that the Backstreet Boys were in town, and I bet they were ready to party (especially the one fresh from rehab).

So I'm walking through Regents park the next morning with my high school cronie Amber and flatmate Kerstie to go to the tube. Its a beautiful day in London...almost 75 degrees. This man is running towards us. First thought: He's good looking. Second Thought: He could pass for one of the Backstreet Boys. Third thought: Holy Hell it is a Backstreet Boy - it was meant to be.

After telling random strangers of our brush with fame, we went on to Portobello Market. There I realized that I was shopping next to none other than Hermione of Harry Potter. This day was every pre-teen's fantasy...Harry Potter and a Backstreet Boy. How could I be so lucky?!

So there you have it. Hopefully this will make your day or at least make you envious of my glamorous lifestyle rubbing elbows with the sorta rich (more money than me) and the somewhat/used to be famous.

These are a few of my favorite things...

As of late I am really beginning to miss the ole US of A. Being away from the states for such a long time has forced me to realize all the wonderful items that I took for granted while living in the land of the free and home of the brave. So the following are items that I miss and can't wait to have back (in no particular order):

1. Cut the polite crap...Give me a crude and loud American any day of the week.

2. Food that I don't have to google to make sure I'm not eating cow balls or something of that nature.

3. Any sport besides cricket, rugby or soccer.

4. Not having to plan my grocery trips around the 274 bus.

5. Being Tan.

6. Saying "y'all" without being aware of it.

7. Large portions.

8. The Texas heat.

9. A cell phone plan that includes free nights and weekends.

10. A good healthcare system.

11. The American Standard Dictionary - no more "u's or s's"

Now of course the obvious items are included such as family, friends and the babies of the world - so don't go getting in a huff because those aren't on the list :). I miss everything! How am I going to make it to December?

Tea for Two

I am now going to reflect on an English past time which should be called an English all the time, the art form of drinking tea. I think I can single handedly blame tea consumption on the UK's inability to outperform the US in productivity. Tea time is a common misconception, every minute is tea time. Every ten minutes at the firm someone around me will call out, "Everyone ok for drinks?" The answer is never yes. The answer is always, "Well, I could use a cup of tea." This answer comes from everyone and was the answer 10 minutes ago and so on and so forth. Paper tea cups line their desks, tea bags fill the trash cans, and reports go unfinished because...gasp, we haven't had tea in 15 minutes - the shame, the blasphemy, the horror.

After witnessing this mass consumption of tea, it forces one to ponder several items.
1) Has the English bladder somehow evolved to take on this much tea? No one ever seems to go to the "loo" except for me, new to the game of binge tea drinking.

2) The Boston Tea Party must have been more than a protest to the Brits, but a complete tragedy. There was probably wailing in the streets, clothes torn in mourning, and possibly sipping from the surrounding waters from the loyalists.

3) Will I upon my arrival back in the US suffer some sort of massive caffeine withdrawal where I might need to check into the Betty Ford of tea drinkers just to survive?

Maybe a cup of tea will help me find the answers.

If It's Not Scottish It's Crap

Welcome once again to Courtney's Euro adventures! This time we join our heroine in the idyllic setting of Ayr, Scotland...
Well the beginning of the trip was hellish. I had to be up by 5am to catch a cab to the airport. I was not a happy camper. I think I spoke about 2 words to my production team the whole day. My hotel room situation was problematic in that I kept finding spiders in my bed. I don't know about you but I'm not a big fan of sharing my bed with them, the hotel however, wasn't too bothered. I kicked up a fuss and moved rooms only to find more spiders. I started trapping them under glasses as evidence for the hotel staff. But they viewed this as odd (this coming from people who eat haggis, a pig's stomach deep fried and stuffed with unmentionable meat), but I digress. I worked all day everyday and didn't get to see as much of Scotland as I would have liked to. For the times I actually spoke to a Scot it never amounted to much because most everything they said was lost in translation. For the majority of the trip I merely nodded and smiled alot. But now I'm back in sunny (not) England counting down the days until I'm back in Texas. I keep making mental lists of things I want to do/eat. I'm praying I won't come back fat but I have a feeling that's inevitable. I can't wait to see y'all. 14 more days! Get excited!
Love y'all,
Court

When in Rome...

...Make sure to stay away from the Gladiators trying to rip you off. Rome was absolutely amazing, and below I will highlight some of the most interesting events (in no particular order).

6. Finding a beach outside of Rome complete with Roman men in Speedos sprawled out in all their glory as they bronze in the sun. Imagine any stereotypical greasy Italian man in a spread eagle position complete with medallion and mustache.

5. Eating Gelati (the best ice cream ever) three times a day - 4 scoops each time. Having the Gelati man try to get me to give him a kiss in exchange for my cone. I told him maybe next time which I'm sure he probably didn't understand.

4. Accidentally joining a pro-marijuana protest because we thought it was a parade.

3. Joining a random tour group in St. Peter's only to have the best tour guide ever. Learned that Madonna's baby wasn't allowed to be baptized there because it was a bastard child, and that Ben Affleck and J. Lo had tried to have their wedding there, but the pope wouldn't allow it. Strangely enough a marching band went through the plaza playing "Downtown" and some Stevie Wonder song.

2. Meeting two Italian girls who took us to a local hangout. One was a translator for films and is currently working on Dead Man Walking. We proceeded to meet way too many Italian men who couldn't speak English except for "Me boy, you Girl, we pretty." Typical Italian dress consisted of a tight t-shirt with some sort of Euro expression or some sort of random athletic jersey (child's small) from the states. They had an obsession for US pop music and sang every word without knowing what they were singing. According to them my name was Broke.

1. Being approached by a cab driver late at night who had some sort of throat issue, and had the electronic voice box thing...very darth vader like, very scary.