Director of Pet Relations

My hotel in Portland, Oregon is called Hotel Monaco. It is such a fun, sassy hotel, but the best part about it is that it has a "Director of Pet Relations", and it is a yellow lab which greets all the other pets that come to stay at the hotel. His name is Art. More puppy love in Oregon. I love this state!

Carnivore

Sometimes you just need to lay down the fork and knife and grab the cow by the bone.

Brooke's Travel Tips - What not to say

Now that I'm a seasoned traveller both near and far, I think I can share with you some of the phrases you might not want to say in an airport, on a plane, in security or just whenever. These are actual phrases I've heard...not even kidding.

"Apparently I'm a security threat."

"This airport is closed and you are all suckers for getting on that flight. That flight is going no where."

"So I just had my colon exam..."

"Miss, I can't get any reception up here."

"I'm flying home to help my brother be committed to a mental institution so that he won't have to go to jail for selling meth."

"I got kicked out of fat camp for sneaking out to buy alcohol and Doritos."

"I accidentally spilled some gasoline on my shoe."

"Can I take my bow and arrow set through security?"

"People used to be really impressed with my forklift driving abilities, but now that I operate the tablet machinery, I really pick up the ladies."

"My baby is only 3 weeks old." (On a flight from Atlanta to Phoenix)

"No, I told you, each girl costs $200 an hour."

You Love Me, You Really Love Me

This is an email that I received from one Nancy Underwood. I had to share it so that you all know that I have a fan base, one fan strong and counting.

Brooke,
As you are the funniest person I know, I am begging you to please post some great new stories on your blog! Friday is hard, I'm sleepy,
I'm writing the most boring legal documents ever. DISTRACT ME!
NCU

I will do what I can to entertain you all. :)

Arizona Hike

I'm in Phoenix, and I wanted to do something...anything really. I googled "Things to do in Phoenix" and a very helpful list popped up. It took me to a state park in the middle of Phoenix where you can go on several hiking trails. According to the article, the state park is a very highly traveled destination and the particular path I hiked, is taken by 7,000 to 10,000 people a week! It looked easy enough, but man was I hurting about 1/4 of the way up, huffing and puffing and trying not to fall into a cactus. It didn't help that it is 90 outside! At least it was a good way to get my heart rate up. I think I definitely deserve some sort of reward...one in the cheesecake or ice cream category.

Please Get Behind This

You all have heard the horror stories about all the travelers (including myself - many times) who had flights cancelled or delayed this summer. It was ridiculous. Now we can actually do something about it. Please use the box below and join the Smart Skies campaign. This campaign is urging Congress to update the severely outdated traffic control systems used by the US and distribute taxes evenly among all who use our friendly skies.

You all might not have experienced this, but I travel for a living, and I've seen this happen quite a bit. Please email and save my sanity.

Mew Mew Beep Beep

You've read about them in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, and if you are like me, then you probably thought the author was fudging the truth about some of his characters found in Savannah, Georgia. How could there possibly be this many wack-jobs walking the streets in such a small town? I now completely believe the writings of John Berendt and the tales of his Savannah crazies. I would like to highlight the two that I've had encounters with in the last 24 hours.

Ecounter #1
My co-worker, Jenny, and I were headed to get ourselves some grub, when we came across an entire litter of kittens trying to cross the road. Since we both wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing we had let them continue this death wish(Mother Teresa move over), we stopped the car to try and save them. They were trying to cross the street because their mother was on the other side. As soon as we approached, they all darted in between the slats of a white picket fence and into the overgrown grass and up a palm tree that was close by. I'm a dog whisperer, and I don't speak kitten, but apparently the man we met next did speak cat. He approached us and introduced himself as "The Governor" and asked what we were doing. We explained, but he cut us off after seeing the cats. He told us he had run a shelter for 20 years in New Mexico, and he knew what to do and was going to teach us. He then started making these weird sounds and unfortunately, writing cannot do it justice. He sort of squated and squealed, "Mew, mew, beep, beep, beep." After doing this several times, he said, "Now see, the kittens are in what is called an inducive state, and they are reacting to me as a mother." He then turned to us and said, "I speak 20 languages including Coon-ass." "Mew, mew, beep, beep, beep," he continued. As we kept trying to get out of this weird situation, we attempted to interrupt, but he wanted to then analyze Jenny's personality. We left him climbing the fence to get the cats while they were in their inducive (what the heck?) state.

Encounter #2
You all have probably heard me talk about this lady. She is most certainly crazy, and she sits in one of the squares and yells at people. My first experience with her was when I was walking through the square and she kept yelling, "Move on slut! Keep on slut!" Yes it was startling at first, but highly entertaining to be yelled out in the middle of the afternoon by a crazy person on a Wednesday. I've had sightings of her since then, usually from afar, and she was mumbling mostly. Then she took up residence at the gas station within view of my balcony. This was like my own live dinner theater. I could sit and watch her yell at people while enjoying my meal. I didn't know my apartment had this ammenity. My landlord could have probably charged at least $50.00 more if he knew how much pleasure I would get out of this sight. Then today, I'm walking through her old square, and there she was on her favorite bench. I hadn't been confronted by her in awhile, but as we passed, she didn't let me down. "Hello ladies? What ya doin ladies? Ladies, ladies, ladies," she spoke as she rocked back and forth. Then as we came back from getting coffee, she was holding a tape recorder and talking about her love of pineapples and what she liked to do with pineapples. I wonder how I can get a copy of that tape?

Down with Delta!

That's it. I'm fed up. How many times can one person be stranded in an airport? Why is it that unlike any other business, we, the consumer, have no voice when it comes to the airlines?

I got to Chicago O'Hare 2 hours early. I checked in, security was a breeze and then I arrive at my gate only to realize that my flight to Cincinnati was delayed by four hours because of "equipment problems". I then come to find out that equipment problems is fancy Delta lingo for "the plane is very very late." Why was I allowed to check in and send my luggage into the big black hole? Who knows...maybe it is because the Delta people are all smoking the ganja in their lounge as their customer service (aka hell in line form) grows longer and longer.

Flights all around me are cancelled or extremely delayed. Did Delta lose all of their planes? Oh what great comfort. As ticket agents who obviously were bewildered and possibly not even trained passed people on to other lines, a red headed dude, who I mentally nicknamed "[Bad Word] Face," sauntered up to the counter and proceeded to just stand there for a good 30 minutes. How much time in prison would I do if I started a revolt in Chicago O'Hare? I have no priors, so that should be in my favor, right? All of you lawyers out there, please feel free to comment. I'm seriously considering this as an option. Hey, if I end up in prison at least I'll have a bed to sleep in instead a piece of badly designed airport carpet.

So I'm blogging to at least voice an opinion. I just saw a report on CNN (the only station they ever show in airports...depression much?) that said there were over 20,000 flights cancelled in the month of June in the US. How can these airlines run their business this way? I know...we have no freaking choice! Gas prices are so high, flying is cheaper in alot of cases, but it is in no way faster anymore. Example 1: In June it took me 30 hours to fly from Dallas to Savannah. Driving there takes 20 hours. Example 2: Today and tomorrow, I will have traveled for 32 hours in order to get back to Savannah from Chicago. It isn't like many other service options where you can just stop buying their product or go to another store. Sometimes they are the only option and this gives them the luxury of treating all of their passengers like dog doo without consideration to their time, belongings or life that awaits at their destination. There has got to be a way to hold them accountable. So if any of you know how I can complain and get ...a million frequent flyer miles in return, then please let me know.

I'm going to get off of my soap box, but I will conclude with one statement. Delta has messed with me the last time. I am going to use my frequent flyer miles and then stop flying them. This will give me the chance to hate another airline.

I am now seated on the floor next to a chubby boy who was given a highly toxic marker from a Delta agent. I'm pretty sure these markers aren't even made anymore and if they are, you probably have to show ID and have a background check. He has drawn a picture of me with a huge afro and a see through dress where you can see every inch of my stick figure body. If I end up with brain damage from the fumes, Delta is responsible.

Camera

Hello all, this again will not be a typical post as I'm asking for your participation (gasp! - yes it is scary, but you too can participate in a blog).

I'm in the market for a new digital camera as mine is a piece. I'm wanting to spend about $200.00, and it has to have a rechargeable battery. This does not mean that I want to buy rechargeable AA batteries. Compact and sturdy are a must as I'm going to be traveling with it quite a bit.

I was hoping all of your photo lovers out there could give me your input. Do you have a digital camera that you love? Do you have one that you loathe? It is time to dish about the digital. Tell me the good, the bad and the downright pixelated ugly.

My New Territory

No I'm not going to "mark" it, but I thought I would show you with a pic. So in the Fall, I should be somewhere around here....

Something to get Behind

I know it has been a long time since I've posted to the ole Blog. I sincerely apologize to all of you avid blog readers (aka my grandmothers). This topic that I'm bringing to all of you is an issue that is really close to my heart, and I think, as responsible citizens, we should get behind this.

I hate Crocs. There I said, and I've written it and now it is out there. Deal with it all of you. I hate the shoes, and I cannot fathom what makes people wear them in public. Yes I have heard they are are soooo comfortable and light as air. Well, so is wearing your birthday suit, and believe me, I don't think people want to see that either. Sadly, I've seen some of my most fashion conscious friends fall victim to the calling of these plastic horrors.

Now all of you who know me, know that I'm not all about Jimmy Choos and the latest shoe trends, but someone has to stand up and stop the madness. There is comfortable and then there is just plain insanity. What about elf like shoes with holes is appealing? There have been other ugly shoes out there that are comfortable but no one is flocking to buy those (please go to any nursing home to see examples).

If you are a Croc wearer and my friend, please take yourself out of this cult like thought process, and really look at what is on your feet. Now that you've come to your senses, please kick them off and shove them in the back of your closet with the poncho you bought in 2003. Don't worry, you'll be able to wear them again someday to a costume party, they'll look great with the poncho.

If you are not a Croc wearer, then you are at least sane, but let me just tell you, these people are after you. Don't succumb to the pressure. I assure you that this too shall pass, and you need to be strong. Together, we can make this very bad trend a future topic for "I love the 2000's" on VH1.

There are others out there who support this effort. Please visit http://ihatecrocsblog.blogspot.com/ to educate yourself and others about the Croc plague and what we can do to stop it. Remember only you have control over what goes on your feet.

Gay Design

I thought I was being helpful. I thought that I was helping influence the path of someone's life. I thought wrong.

This scene took place at a college fair in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Sadly, I did not realize the full magnitude of this conversation until hours later.

Brooke (directed to young 17 year old boy): Are you interested in anything particular?

Youth: Um, well, I guess I'm just looking around.

Brooke: Well feel free to take anything on the table. Hmmm...maybe industrial design? Or maybe you'd be interested in sequential art? No, game design...yeah I think you would like game design. Did you know we have a major for game design?

Youth: I'm not gay...(walks away, nervous, head down).

Brooke: Game designers aren't gay. (Perplexed look on Brooke's face)

It wasn't until hours later that I realized this is what the kid heard.


Brooke (directed to young 17 year old boy): Are you interested in anything particular?

Youth: Um, well, I guess I'm just looking around.

Brooke: Well feel free to take anything on the table. Hmmm...maybe industrial design? Or maybe you'd be interested in sequential art? No, gay design...yeah I think you would like gay design. Did you know we have a major for gay design?

Youth: I'm not gay...(walks away).

Brooke: Gay designers aren't gay. (Perplexed look on Brooke's face)

Yes so instead of being helpful, this poor kid walked away thinking that I was outing him at a college fair. I must admit, it is pretty funny because...gay designers are gay...duh.

SCAD Shorts

This is fun. It is a new idea from the Savannah College of Art and Design. Watch the short film and try to guess the title. It will always start with the letters SCAD. For instance it might be Scary Cats Attacking Dinosaurs. If you guess the title correctly, you could win an i-pod. They have a new film each month, and you can guess as many times as you want. Have fun guessing!

Go to www.scadshorts.com

Six Flags over Crazy Town

I should have known. I should have known that the woman I was going to meet was slightly off her rocker. The fact she made me think her boyfriend had been killed in Katrina should have been a red flag when we first spoke on the phone(Red Flag #1). I was desperate for appointments, desperate to meet my quota for the day. The red flags just passed by me looking a shade of light pink.

I arrived at this independent counselor's office thinking that maybe I had caught her on a bad day when I had made the appointment. Independent counselors are paid by parents to help their kids get into prestigious schools. Usually these people have years of counseling experience, loads of connections and know-how, but this lady just had a load of full blown crazy person.

A woman in her early 60's answered the door looking a bit disheveled. She was in a baggy sweater and some sort of stirrup leggings that looked a bit weathered. Her hair was all mashed to one side that suggested that I had just woken her up from a nap. From underneath her sweater ran a long white cord. My first thought was that it was a bit of her worn sweater that was unraveling. In short, she looked like a mess.

As we walked back to take a seat, she noticed the cord and apologized for the wire hanging out of her sweater. She explained, as normal as possible, that she was getting electro-shock therapy in her back (Red Flag #2). I smiled calmly as if that was a treatment I too was going through and understood her pain. I sat down in the chair next to her and proceeded to retrieve the materials that I had brought to talk up the college.

I went into my normal, well-versed presentation about the school, starting with our locations. She quickly interrupted me, and I was hoping that maybe she would at least ask some pointed questions and shed her crazy person first impression. "Us women in the North hate when you Southern women say yes ma'am to us," she remarked. "Because of slavery," she continued (Red Flag #3).

Slavery? Was she kidding? "Well, I'm not sure about slavery, but we are taught in the 'South' that it is polite to say ma'am to those you are unfamiliar with or who are your elders. It is not about slavery, it is manners," I retorted.

"No, I'm quite sure it is about slavery. We here in the North...we hate slavery," she stated as plain as day.

Well then, I thought, I best be getting on the phone and calling down to my plantation and tell the the slave hand to let go our cotton pickers. I sat there stunned. First had this woman ever been down to the South? Secondly, last I checked I'm sure she was never alive during slavery...call me crazy (oh wait...no that is her name!). How was I supposed to reply to this woman? I had to maintain some sort of cool because the last thing I needed was some loony calling up my boss and saying something about how I endorse slavery. Calmly I informed her that I live in a predominantly African American city and that in no way do we condone "slavery." This whole time I can't believe I was having to explain this.

"Moving on...At our school we have three different types of scholarships," I awkwardly transitioned.

"My dad was a very famous doctor who saw very famous patients including (insert a bunch of supposed celeb names either just from Chicago or too old for me to know)," she interrupted yet again (Red Flag #4)

Yet another completely unrelated comment from the resident kook. Now you must realize that in no way was I ignoring all of these red flags. In my head I was trying desperately to organize an escape route. Maybe if I gave her electro-shock cord a tug she been instantly rendered incapacitated, and I could bolt for the door? Maybe I could pretend to get an emergency phone call...art school emergency...the artists are refusing to be creative. Nothing seemed to be feasible.

"Oh," I weakly replied. What else was I to say? I tried to turn it back to business, but I knew it was a lost cause.

"He received letters from many of the famous people. There was one that I read when he died from a very hunky male movie star, and I think this man was in love with my father. One day a couple years later I saw this man on a sitcom, and I threw up," she continued as if I wasn't even in the room. (Red Flags #5)

"Well that is a strong reaction," I commented. Now this is getting ridiculous. At what point could I just walk out of the room, and she would think it was normal. Maybe I could blame it on being southern.

"You would have that reaction too if you thought of your father having sex with another man!" she snapped in a bit of a raised voice (Red Flag #6).

This was not talk of college or art or scholarships, this was nothing that would ever make sense no matter how much I tried to bring it back to the topic at hand. Yes folks we were not in Kansas anymore, and I needed to get the first train back from crazy town.